Sport - The Ashes Day Five. Humiliation for Aus's toothless attack.

England 260 and 517-1 (Strauss 110, Cook 235*, Trott 135*) drew with Australia 481 and 107-1

"Alright then but no tongues Cookie"

Records fell left, right and centre at the Gabba on the fifth day, including Hussey and Haddin's record stand for any wicket in a Test there which had stood for all of 48 hours. Cook beat Bradman's top score at the Gabba. England recorded their highest score ever for the loss of a single wicket. And we still wait official confirmation from twitter for Warne's attempt at the 140 characters involving the most F's K's and asterisks. The score remains 0-0 going into the second test in Adelaide on Friday but possibly the biggest 1-0 psychological victory England have held over the Aussies since...since...Jimmy and Monty played out 11.3 overs to deny the Aussies at Cardiff in the first test of the last series.

England truly have nothing to fear from the weakest Australian bowling attack I've seen in 40 years of (mostly painful) Ashes viewing. Even on the rare occasions England offered up a chance the Aussies were too deflated by their bowling inadequacies to hold any catches. Most un-Australian. Johnson has gone from sure-fire McGrath replacement to some kind of Devon Malcolm tribute act. Xavier Doherty (good Aussie name that) is a spinner like Shane Warne in the same way that Asti Spumanti is fizz like Moet. Siddle's had his birthday. And Hilfenhaus spearheads an attack with the zest and vigour displayed by Angus Fraser on a bad day. Ponting's got problems.

For England only Swann was left with any real questions to think about. And when the Aussies go back to the drawing board to confront their own short-comings I reckon they'll be too busy sorting themselves out to have the courage to carry on with their own transparent plan A (there is no plan B) of hitting Swann out of the attack. I can see Swann turning 0-40 into 5-90 in more than one innings in this series.

517-1. I have to write that again. 517-1. In Dutch football PSV recently beat their rivals Feyenoord 10-0. 517-1 is the Ashes equivalent. Had it been the other way around I dread to think of the panning Anderson and co. would have received from their critics. As it is Aleem Dar had to have a word in Anderson's ear to stop him sledging Watson and Ponting when the Aussies returned to bat. Happy days Jimmy. Happy days.

Rise up like lions. You really have nothing to fear.